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Author Topic: The Financial Advisor From Hell  (Read 1098 times)

Offline Talzhemir

The Financial Advisor From Hell
«: September 14, 2009, 02:23:17 PM»
I just thought I'd share this article by the personal  financial advisor to the CEOs of several major banks.


by Satan

     Hello, Satan here.  I'm sure you all know me by reputation, but I figured it was time to put in a personal appearance.  You might have read and heard many disparaging remarks about me.  I want to reassure you, it's all lies.

     It's just that I've been around a lot longer than libel suits, and it's really tough to defend against character assassination.

     A real friend is somebody who comforts you by telling you exactly what you want to hear.  A true friend doesn't argue with you, they come up with reasons why the things you don't like are bad, and back you up.

     That's me.  I'm your real friend.

     I am on your side, and I always have been.  You won't find a better friend.  Through thick and thin, I'm always there with you.  I've been around a long time and I'm ready to offer my special insights with you, my personal friend.  So, let's get down to some deep discussions about everyday matters!

     First of all, I know a lot of you have debit instead of credit cards.  Yes, I can tell you by your smug looks that you think you're better than those credit card users.  Your momma warned you about credit cards and by George, you listened!  Good for you!  Be proud of yourself.

     Now, some of you are actually jealous of those people who run up huge bills.  That's alright.  Don't fight it, let it go.  It's totally natural.  Pride and Envy-- that's TWO of the Seven Deadly.

     Some of you might be surprised, but I'm a big advocate of the debit card.

     It's important that you never have to do math, you just keep handing over that pretty plastic rectangle and get out of the way of the next guy in line.

     So, when there's financial clouds on your financial horizons, don't get all neurotic and go back to writing checks and subtracting what you've spent.

     Speaking as your new financial advisor, I want you to congratulate you on doing the right thing all along.  Stick with using those debit cards.  You should never need to worry about running out of money; that's for losers.

     YOU should never have to carry rectangles of paper and small circular pieces of metal.  Those are bad; everybody knows they spread diseases.  You're too good for that.  Take it from me, I've met a lot of people over the millenia.  You, modern person, you're the best!  I know what I'm talking about.

     If you absolutely have to pay in cash for something, don't withdraw at your own bank, use the ATM.  A $3 fee on a $100 withdrawal is just a measly 3 percent.  Three pennies, who cares?  Don't make yourself miserable over just three cents!

     And, whatever you do, don't start paying with cash for the regular predictable large expenditures like weekly groceries.  By using debit cards, 1.5% goes to the companies that run that system, every time. 

     Remember, YOU never have to pay that.  It's the businesses you chose to support who have to pay that fee.  So, it's no skin off your nose to keep using that handy dandy card.

     Every time you buy food for about the same amount every week, the grocery store doesn't deserve more money.  Screw the local economy!  And the people that work for those businesses-- the truckers, the shelf stockers, the cashiers?

     Life is tough all over; you can't keep trying to treat 'em like REAL people.  They're NOT just like you; they are meat robots.  You  have to tell yourself, if they were GOOD people, they'd be blessed with better jobs.  Even I think they should pray more and that kind of thing.

     And the farmers that produce the food, who cares about them?  Their purpose in life is to grow you cheap food, not feed their kids and the retired parents who used to grow you cheap food.

     The important people, the ones who deserve that 1.5%, are the debit card agencies.  They work very hard counting all that money those businesses have to fork over.  They deserve it.

     Yes, at first when the financial world went all 'digital' on me, I thought, there goes the chance for mortals to screw themselves over with money matters.  Ho ho, but those debit cards, now they're JUST like writing bad checks.

     They'll let somebody run up dozens of overdrafts without the tiniest clue that you're doing it.  If that hasn't happened to you, you have the right to keep thinking, "That never happens to smart people, it only happens to dumb people." and you can pat yourself on the back for being a smart person.  Isn't modern life wonderful?

     Oh, and I adore those wonderful banks that save you from embarassment at that restaurant where nobody needs to know that you're out of dough.

     It's just like writing yourself a loan.  Nobody to tell you 'no'.  Yes, whenever this happens to you, I want you to hold your head up and think "It's JUST a loan".  I am a great advocate of the intrinsic dignity of human life; I don't endorse grovelling or punishing someone just because they're out of money.

     When you deposit a check but it hasn't cleared yet, the ATM might still report it as "balance."  If you try to spend it (this is the clever part!) it's not there, and you get an Overdraft charge.  On a good day, if you get enough Overdrafts, you could even wipe out the whole check earned.  Score!

     Banks love it; it's $35 for doing nothing, every time.  I keep telling them not to change this system.  Overdraft fees provide about $17 billion in annual revenue for the industry.  That's Sloth, another of the Big Seven.

    There's folks who want to put a stop this, through government interference.  I'm against that!  All you need to do to be politically active and responsible is to be a good listener.  I suggest you tune straight in to any FOX news radio affiliate.  By listening to the radio or watching TV, things automatically get better.  That Glenn Beck, now there's a guy who knows what he's talking about.

     Don't read stuff like this article, and remember this special mantra when people tell you what you're parroting back is wildly inaccurate: The Internet LIES.

     In the old days, I'd applaud the bankers, because lending money with really big interest rates is that juicy sin, Usury.  But, in this case, it's been something of a puzzler for me.  You see, the banker didn't really do anything.  YOU did it yourself.  I can't quite get it to count as the sin of Usury.  Even though, technically, you're the one who made that decision.

     I guess I'll just have to be satisfied just to watch a domino effect as the lack of finances causes the chance of more overdrafts.  Mmmm, suffering.  A good dose of humiliation in there, too.  The best part is when I watch people being proud of how humble they're suddenly forced to act.  I split my sides.

     A lot of the time, when people get into this situation, it isn't because of a lapse in judgment for, say, entertainment or a luxury item.  85% of the time, it's health care and loss of funds from being ill.  Everybody gets sick (except me), and, you never know when you'll need to take time off from work.

     Illness just happens.  I should know; I'm the one who lets it loose in the world whenever there's a bet on that I can make you lose your faith.  The proper response to the threat of boils and the death of your parents, spouse and children is faith, not medical insurance.

     Cholera and smallpox were part of a great plan, one that humanity doesn't understand, and shouldn't work to destroy.  Viewing medical disasters as a spiritual test is what will make you stronger.  Get your mind off supporting medical research.

     In closing, as your friend and new financial advisor, I want you to OPPOSE anything that looks like medical insurance from the government.  Years ago, I wasn't able to stop Medicare, and now you have to live with it, even though you didn't vote for it.  The people with Medicare will only be paying $10 for a flu shot, but it's $25 for everybody else.  Come on, that's just unfair!

     With your help, at least this Obamacare can be stymied.  In their lifetime, one in six men will get cancer, but you can't let fear run your life, right?  I personally promise that 1 in 6 won't be you.  Trust me.  So can we stop this?  Yes we can.

« Last Edit: September 14, 2009, 02:28:05 PM by Talzhemir »
I type fast.  Try not to mistake my wordcount for actual excitement.


Offline buie

Re: The Financial Advisor From Hell
«Reply #1: September 15, 2009, 07:18:09 PM»
this is both hilarious and intelligent

Offline Talzhemir

Re: The Financial Advisor From Hell
«Reply #2: September 18, 2009, 05:14:19 PM»
>>"You're just linking some article/copypasting."

Nope.  Wrote it.
I type fast.  Try not to mistake my wordcount for actual excitement.

Offline Hugo

Re: The Financial Advisor From Hell
«Reply #3: September 19, 2009, 05:44:21 PM»
That's a noice bloody piece of piss! God save the gravy.